This morning I was emailing another mom about clubfeet and shared some photos with her. I hadn't been in the clubfoot folder for awhile, but my goodness. G was so little. He's approaching three shortly here, and I find myself going back to that last month of pregnancy. It was so marked with doctor visits, with unknowns and worries, and here we are today.

Life, though more difficult in some ways, is so much easier now that he's here. It's just life when you're living it, but when you're waiting for something and worrying, you're not living. You're suspended, and frankly, it really sucks. Limbo Land. I've been fussing about the shunt the last couple weeks. Is he three (two) or is it excessive irritability? For him, he's more cranky than usual. Growth spurt or excessive sleepiness? He's growing but combined with the cranky, I'm not sure. I'm not a fan of this Limbo Land but I have gotten better at dealing with it. Well, I say that now. Definitely subject to change.

Someone else's words

Today I read a message posted by someone on one of my email lists about life being like a big waiting room. Learning to wait is one of the hardest lessons as a little kid, but as an adult it's not a whole lot easier. Here I thought I had become a more patient individual, but I think I was wrong. I find myself going crazy somedays with this waiting game. I'm constantly questioning myself and sifting through what is paranoid and what is intuition. It's not so easy to tell. Intuition has been spot on in the past, but I'm starting to feel like I'm paranoid with our recent bout of stuff.

I feel like something isn't right. Tests are showing nothing is wrong. This is good, but why do I keep looking for something to be wrong? I don't want anything to be wrong. Or do I? I can't imagine why I would want something to be wrong, so I'm wondering if I'm just paranoid. Do I just ignore these feelings? Brush them aside? How does one cope with paranoia?

I don't want to become the parent who everyone stops listening to because they've cried wolf one too many times, but I don't want to be the person who ignores the obvious because they don't want to be perceived as overreactive. I've got myself in a quandary, don't I???

Anyway, a lot of this is due to just feeling deep down something is going on, but testing is showing nothing. I absolutely abhor the idea of putting him through unnecessary testing, so I've decided I've got to just let it go and believe and trust that if something IS going on, we'll catch it on time. G had his ophthalmologist appointment on Wednesday, and his optic nerve showed no change. We return in eight weeks to continue monitoring and making sure it has no change or gets better.

On another note, I'm a bit excited about progress in the equipment department. On Thursday, G and I went with his regular PT to see another physical therapist about his mobile stander. We were given the mobile stander because it was going to be thrown, but it just wasn't working. The other PT knew how to adjust it, and we now have a functioning stander. We talked about getting wheels and a walker, and it looks like it will be happening soon, hopefully. I'm hoping G is able to gain speed and mobility.

Worry

I've never been much of a worrier. I'm the laid-back mama who lets my kids play, who lets her kids develop at their pace. I always have a watchful eye, but I try not to smother.

Then along came G, and I've become that mother. The one you talk to who always thinks something is wrong with her child.

I see this about myself, and I don't know what to do. I don't particularly like to think I'm a worrywart or paranoid. I want to be calm and relaxed, but his recent history has warped my perspective.

What I'm most afraid of, though, is being dismissed by the medical community as THAT mother. So far, my record is pretty good in knowing when something was wrong. I'm always questioning myself, though. Is something wrong? Am I overreacting? Over and over I do this, and I try not to make a call unless I'm sure. Reading through some of the medical blogs only reinforces this doubt in myself. I don't want to be perceived as an overanxious parent caught up in having something wrong with her child. I don't want to be perceived as stupid or ignorant.

My latest concern has been tethered cord. I find myself looking for the signs, and I'm finding some. Every little thing that occurs, that is different, that "could" be something, is always, always about the shunt. G's been napping more and sleeping a long time. This could be attributed to a number of things. But there's this "but", and it is so hard to take things at face value. I hate losing that, I hate not being able to appreciate more sleep without that "maybe" surfacing. The one that I haven't spoken out loud because I KNOW it's silly is whether he's laughing too much. Seriously.

Do I seem officially over the top now on the worry factor? He giggles and giggles about something, and I honestly have been concerned that he's laughing too much. Worried that somehow his brain is being affected by pressure causing him to giggle incessantly. Now, honestly, why can't I just enjoy it? I do enjoy it, and I always end up laughing a long, but there's this cruel thought in the back of my head going, "I hope this is okay. I hope this doesn't mean anything serious."

Okay, maybe writing that out was a good thing. I'm giggling to myself now at how ludicrous it sounds.

It's so strange for me to worry this much. Worry isn't a good thing. It doesn't solve anything, and it only causes stress. And stress ain't no good. It gives me a big belly.