Saturday, August 26, 2006


I'm feeling a bit sad. My youngest has spina bifida. He doesn't have sensation in his feet. Today I went to church, and two people tried to tickle his feet. One said, "He's not ticklish?", and I replied he wasn't. She replied, "Oh, he's no fun."

And it really, really bothers me. She wasn't being mean or malicious, she just didn't realize he has no feeling in his feet. I didn't explain, and perhaps I should have, I don't know, but the comment just won't leave my head. He's no fun, he's no fun, he's no fun.

He's precious and adorable, but it's true, I wish I could tickle his feet. I can't say how often I've stroked his feet to comfort him and let him know I'm there, and then remember. I squeeze his little toes and play games with his feet, and then it will hit me. It's important to do these games with him because it gives him an awareness of his feet. He was actually giggling and laughing the other day when I pretended to bite his feet, so we can still have fun with his little toes.

I don't know, but that comment, and another one made shortly afterward, just made me feel so sad. I am sad about many things today. I'm sad because three years ago my grandma died. I'm sad because I feel like things have changed SO much, and I just want to be able to say to people, "I'm still me! You can talk to me!" I know I can make the first move, and I probably have to, but I just don't know how sometimes.

He is the most fabulous baby, and I love him so much. The spina bifida is a tremendous deal sometimes, and sometimes it's just part of life. I have to believe all this is just part of dealing with something like this. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better and smile at my sad silliness.

One other thing that saddened me today was looking at his older brother running like a maniac. When I thought of having number 4 I thought it would be awesome to have brothers together like my older two girls to play, and do boy stuff like baseball, football, and wrestling. He is pretty young yet, and I think they will find things to do, but it will be different.

I'm rambling quite a bit now, and I need to get to bed.

Thursday, August 24, 2006


It's become painfully obvious why it's getting more difficult. When he was born, there was a part of me that expected he might die. I didn't want that to happen, but I was prepared for it to happen. Well, as prepared as one can be. And with two revisions under our belt now, you'd think I'd be calm, cool, and collected. I'm NOT. At all. I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm scared he'll be changed or die or harmed. I love him. I love all the things he can do, what he's accomplished, and I'm scared the surgery will take that away from him. He's real to me. No longer do I think he might die, I now am fervently afraid he will be taken away.

*sigh* I'm waiting for his neurosurgeon to call back. It's been all day. I called when the office opened, and I'm getting sick of it.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Today is a beautiful day. It's the kind of day you feel like doing things and enjoying life. I haven't done much, but I've enjoyed the day. But here is the thing that's been bugging me.

Bats. I hate bats. It seems to me there are many bat lovers about, but I'm not one of them. Well, allow me to clarify. I'm fine with bats outside, but I am NOT in the LEAST okay with them in my house. In fact, I love bats outside, and they don't even freak me out if they are outside. Inside is a completely different matter.

I've lived in this house for 9 years, and I have not gotten used to the bats that invade my nights. I have prayed, bargained, pleaded for their demise, or really just for them not to come in. So far, they still visit. They aren't hanging out in the attic (we've checked), and they don't come in every night. It is probably about a total of two weeks out of the year that they make their appearance, but one night is one too many.

Two nights ago, I was feeling quite comfortable with the lack of bats thus far this year, so I was taken by surprise when I walked into my bedroom and saw one hanging on the window frame. As soon as my mind processed the blob hanging there was a bat, I ran as fast as I could hunched over and carrying a sleeping baby down the stairs. I went as quietly and quickly as possible and told my hubby in hushed tones, "There is a bat upstairs. Hanging in our window. Please. Take. Care. Of. It."

So, I went into the living room, heart pounding, with the baby to nurse him back to sleep, sure my knight would rush to my rescue. It was draft night for fantasy football. Very Important. I sat on the couch in frozen, freaking panic, and he took ten minutes to go upstairs and get rid of it. I was going crazy, telling myself I could wait until he was done, the bat wasn't going to fly away or disappear, but I felt so anxious and scared in that time.

I remember the time when we were first married. I fondly called him My Batman because he'd rescued me the night before from a bat. As I spoke the words, the window shade in our room rustled and out flew a bat. I about died. He used his trusty tennis racket, and once again, was My Batman. It was funny.

I have numerous bat stories. Once, hubby was bartending at the bar his parents own, and at midnight I awoke to see a bat hanging on the door frame. I called him, and he came home, got rid of it, and went back to work. And there was the time I was carrying my sleeping daughter upstairs, and I turned on the hall light (which I seldom do), and there was a furry creature on the floor. If I hadn't turned on the light I wouldn't have seen it, and I probably would have died of fright as I walked into its space and it flew up. Oh shudder. I can't even think about it.

Last year, we were watching a movie, and I was very absorbed in the storyline, and suddenly, out of nowhere a bat swooped down by me. I lay there so petrified, and my heart was beating so hard and fast. Hubby returned, sat down on the couch and resumed the movie. I started crying and sobbing as I came out of my frozen state.

Today I found someone who has a similar fear and panic. My youngest gets physical therapy, and his therapist and I got on the topic of bats somehow. It was humorous and comforting to exchange stories.

Recently, we had our house weatherized and insulation put into the walls. I was hoping perhaps we'd have no more bats, but the other night disproved that. Ah well.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

First Blogger Post

Today it is raining, and I feel better. Yesterday, it was gorgeous, and I was so sad and angry. I felt so, so, SO down yesterday, and I felt like I was drowning. I moved to this house nine years ago, and I have always loved it, but it now feels like a trap. Or a pond, and it is swallowing me up.