Saturday, August 26, 2006


I'm feeling a bit sad. My youngest has spina bifida. He doesn't have sensation in his feet. Today I went to church, and two people tried to tickle his feet. One said, "He's not ticklish?", and I replied he wasn't. She replied, "Oh, he's no fun."

And it really, really bothers me. She wasn't being mean or malicious, she just didn't realize he has no feeling in his feet. I didn't explain, and perhaps I should have, I don't know, but the comment just won't leave my head. He's no fun, he's no fun, he's no fun.

He's precious and adorable, but it's true, I wish I could tickle his feet. I can't say how often I've stroked his feet to comfort him and let him know I'm there, and then remember. I squeeze his little toes and play games with his feet, and then it will hit me. It's important to do these games with him because it gives him an awareness of his feet. He was actually giggling and laughing the other day when I pretended to bite his feet, so we can still have fun with his little toes.

I don't know, but that comment, and another one made shortly afterward, just made me feel so sad. I am sad about many things today. I'm sad because three years ago my grandma died. I'm sad because I feel like things have changed SO much, and I just want to be able to say to people, "I'm still me! You can talk to me!" I know I can make the first move, and I probably have to, but I just don't know how sometimes.

He is the most fabulous baby, and I love him so much. The spina bifida is a tremendous deal sometimes, and sometimes it's just part of life. I have to believe all this is just part of dealing with something like this. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better and smile at my sad silliness.

One other thing that saddened me today was looking at his older brother running like a maniac. When I thought of having number 4 I thought it would be awesome to have brothers together like my older two girls to play, and do boy stuff like baseball, football, and wrestling. He is pretty young yet, and I think they will find things to do, but it will be different.

I'm rambling quite a bit now, and I need to get to bed.

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