Compliments and Memories

I've been absent here, haven't I? I've been writing in my livejournal recently about the everyday stuff.

Today, I received a compliment from my dad in his roundabout way. I sat next to him at a potluck, and he made a comment about sending me a note, cooking like mom, and something about cooking like his mom. I was confused what he was talking about, and I asked what I had cooked. He said I had sent over some cookies, and they tasted just like his mother's.

Wow. What a compliment. My dad doesn't dish out compliments. I had made oatmeal cookies with raisins, cranberries, walnuts, chocolate chips, and some m&m's. I thought they were yummy (my kids didn't), but I sent a bunch over to mom and dad's when they watched the kids. Apparently, dad like them. :)

I miss my grandmas so much. They were such strong, beautiful, amazing, sweet women, and I miss them so much. This has been one of the toughest years of my life, and I miss their presence, their love, their prayer, their hugs. I dream of both of them often. I have dreams of them holding my babies. I dream of their hugs. Their presence.

Life is an emotional upheaval right now, and I feel like I'm barely holding together. Today was a Christmas get together with hubby's side of the family, and I really, really didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home. I did go, I did enjoy myself, but I didn't, also. Everybody seems to be so distant, and I don't know, just not friendly like they used to be. I feel like people don't talk to me because they don't know what to say to me anymore. I feel like I'm unapproachable, and I hate it. I remember after G was born this doctor said many people would pull away, and we'd have to be the ones to reach out. I think I'm seeing it now. Instead of reaching out, though, I'm feeling myself drawing inward. I know it, I see it, I don't feel like changing it. Maybe this is how depression feels.

I've been asking myself that question lately. Am I depressed or am I conserving? By conserving, I mean conserving my energy for the important things, such as my family. I feed my kids, dress them, send them to school with the necessary notes and papers, I dress myself, feed myself sometimes, keep appointments and try to be on time. My house is a terrible mess, and I can't consistently keep up on anything. I am behind on thank-yous, I don't have any holiday cards ready to send out, I am behind on so many things I'm not going to bother listing them, but I feel like I have all I can to do the important things.

Does this fall under depression? I am overwhelmed. I don't sit around and cry, but I do sit around and read blogs. A lot. I don't wash the dishes, I don't wash the table, and I don't sweep the floor, until it's absolutely necessary. And I don't care. But I do, as there is a bit of self-loathing that it's not done. But I don't care enough to do it.

I am also gaining weight, and I'm terribly out of shape. I used to exercise, and everyday I plan to start, and every night I go to bed having done nothing.

Oh, I don't know. I'm so tired. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted.

So Much For Frequent Posting

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Anyway, we went to Iowa, lost our new palm pilot (it was found and returned!), I lost my wedding ring and watch somewhere in the house, and I washed and dried my wallet with over 500 dollars in it after we returned. Thanksgiving went well despite the snags in the preparation. I got tons of stuff done and ready to go, and then I was told I wasn't needed. ARgh! I'd go into why I was so upset, but I don't have time. Baby will be going back into casts to correct his clubfeet...again.

I feel frazzled. Apparently, it's going to start snowing tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to driving in it. I have a mountain of laundry to tackle, floors to sweep, but my fab hubby is making supper. He's the absolute bestest.

Packed!

I did it! I packed my and the kids' bags yesterday. I was on the ball. I also was very motivated and put alllll of hubby's clothes away. I hung stuff in the closet, and I put them in a specific order. I also put the rest of his stuff in his dresser, so it was funny when he went to pack and was looking for stuff.

Today is another gray day. November days are so dreary sometimes. It's been a beautiful November, though, so I'm not going to complain too much.

Yesterday, the cows were out. I heard them bellering, and I could tell something was up. I looked out the upstairs window, and sure enough, they were munching on my lawn. I called FIL, and the kids and I watched him round them up with his four-wheeler.

Well, off I go to prepare the rest of my stuff for this trip. I've got plenty yet to accomplish.

Finding Motivation

In highschool, I was a major procrastinator. I always managed to get my work done and in on time, but I always put it off to the last possible minute. Here I am, doing this kind of behavior again. I have many, and I mean many, things to accomplish before we head off on a trip to rural IA. I have to pack for a three day trip, and I have to pack for three kids, a baby, and me. Hubby does his own packing. :)

It must be warmer outside, but I haven't left my house to find out. The snow is melting, though. It's almost gone. The sky is still gray, and it looks like it's misty.

So, why I am sitting on here reading blogs and posting? Packing, washing laundry and dishes, making beds, all that good stuff, just seems so daunting. I think the caffeine I ingested this morning is starting to kick in. I don't feel dead tired anyway.

This Blog

I'm trying to decide what I want this blog to be about. I have a livejournal account, and I find I write there most often.

What do I write about that is relevant to my blog's title or that would be interesting? I thought maybe I'd post about the weather and about the mundane happenings of my day. This is my life.

We'll see what happens, I guess!

Today, in my part of the world, there is some snow on the ground, and the wind is blowing. The sky is gray, and the fields are golden and browns with patches of snow. My rose bush is beastly huge, since I didn't prune it at the end of the summer, and it has some dead leaves and rose hips lingering on its branches. My yard is in a very sorry state, and I'm shamed to think of my previous goals for gardening.

I'm of the mind, in regards to gardening, that it's something you do if you're rich or old. Of which, I'm neither. I want my money to go other places, so my garden is sorely neglected. My gorgeous climbing rose doesn't seem to care, and my irises haven't protested too much either.

I don't have a lot of time I'm willing to dedicate to gardening at this point. I have four small children, one with special needs, and my time is limited. The kids are now getting old enough, I think, where they are going to be a lot more helpful and a lot less in the way. I tried when my first two were younger, and I quit after my third because I lost the joy of the relaxation of working in the garden.

I'm thinking of having the older two kids join 4-H and perhaps we'll all gain a love and interest in horticulture.

It is time for me to get ready for the baby's physical therapy. I was a slacker in putting him in his vertical stander this past week.

Bummer!

I forgot to post yesterday. Oh well. I was going to try and post every day to see if I had anything interesting to talk about.

I think my baby is losing weight. He has become incredibly active with crawling from one end of the house to the other. I think he's burning too many calories, though, because you can feel his ribs and he feels lighter weight.

He can pull to his knees on the bottom step, and he's pulled to standing several times! He crawls commando style so fast he glides across the floor, and he's able to crawl on his hands and knees, also.

He's just too cute. :)

Yelling

Why is it so hard to not yell? I mean, come on. Yell I did. Ugh. I feel bad now, but at the time I was just so upset! Poor kids. :( I apologized for yelling the way I did, but I still feel badly.

My 3 yo cries a lot. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he cries a LOT. It is mentally and physically exhausting to me. This morning, before the hour of 8 am, he cried for about 45 minutes. Everything I did was WRONG and would set him off. It would be okay, if this was an unusual occurence, but it is just about every morning, and I'm NOT a morning person. I put him outside and FIVE times today, so he could scream outside how much he hated me, so he wouldn't wake his sleeping brother. I'm so SICK of being told I'm the worst mother in the world. I'm so SICK of being told he hates me.

His oldest sibling isn't much better. She cries a lot, too. She contributed mucho crying tonight. AND ALL I DID WAS GO OUT FOR DINNER FOR A COUPLE HOURS WITH SOME FRIENDS, AND I PAY AND PAY AND PAY!!!!!!!!!! I really feel like my kids DO hate me sometimes.

The thing is it wasn't that bad of a day. I accomplished things, I played a little, I laughed, and the weather was beautiful. For the most part, it was a very good day, but the incessent crying sucked a lot of joy out of it. Me yelling only clinched it. *sigh*

Woo hoo!

I'm going out tonight with some friends!! I can't wait to sit and chat about what's been going on in our lives. This has been a looooong weekend, and I could use the time away from the kids, methinks. Some adult conversation is in order.

I'm wasting way too much time on here. I need to get dressed in presentable clothes, makeup on, and be ready before Mister G's PT is here at 3:30. I have to leave as soon as PT is done, and I should probably wash the dishes, start some supper and clean off the table. Oh, and find some pjs for the kids would be helpful, I'm sure.

Off I go!

Domesticated!

Well, I actually accomplished a bit today. I made cookies, I made supper, and I got somewhat caught up on laundry. It's still a mess, but I'm feeling accomplished. Woohoo! Gotta go and eat that supper...

A bit of yardwork...

The yard was in huge disarray, so today the kids and I went out and actually picked it up. I finally was motivated to do something! Hmmmm... my kids have wayyyy too much junk. Outside, inside, everywhere. I really, really need to focus on getting rid of some of it.

We also played catch. It was fun, but they are still a bit whiny about taking turns. What's the deal, I wonder?

Now my house could use a huge bit of picking up.

Annoyed

I feel rather childish, but needless to say, I feel rather annoyed. I called Mom this morning to see if I could come over and visit. I haven't been able to go over for awhile, and I really, really wanted to see mom and dad. I told hubby after I got off the phone, "I just have a feeling M will show up with her family."

So, we headed off to church, and when we returned I called mom to see if there was anything I could bring. And guess who was there? M and her family. I love my sister, but when our kids get together there is no peace and quiet. Plus, M is a conversation hog. She's been driving me nuts this week with her neuroses. Everything is about her, and it drives me crazy.

I almost didn't go. Mom just had knee surgery on Tuesday, and I didn't want to be causing too much hassle. I did end up going, and I prayed and tried to have a positive and friendly attitude. I still feel upset, though. I tried to bring up Thanksgiving, and M blew me off. I also tried to show her some cool stuff I wanted to get Mister G, and she basically ignored me. And really, every conversation has to be about her or something she wants to talk about.

My nice, anticipated evening with mom and dad, didn't end up that way. She'd also been over earlier this week, and I just really, really miss my mom and dad. I wanted to just be able to talk to them and see them, and it didn't work out that way at all. I feel bummed.

I guess I'm done being petulant now.

C-c-cold

It would be a chilly morning today. Brrr.... My feet just aren't warming up, and I want another cup of coffee.

The kids and I all seem to be tired today. My eyes just don't care to stay open! I wish to curl up in a blanket on the couch and slumber. Of course, it's not an option as I have tons of things I need to do around the house. It is in a wretched state of affairs. I was so lazy this week, and I didn't really accomplish anything. I didn't go anywhere either.

I have been wondering this week if I'm suffering some depression. I just don't do anything. I don't make supper for my family, I barely make breakfast and lunch, I don't have any motivation, and I'm just so tired. My house is such a mess, and I want to do something about it, but I don't. Same way with my weight and exercise.

Yesterday, the 3yo cried aaaaaaaallllll day. It was very agonizing since it was the third day in a row. I found myself at my wit's end, and I just about went nuts. Seriously.

I hope I find the energy and motivation to clean, even it isn't a lot. I really have a lot to do, though, and it almost seems futile to attempt to start. That's how overwhelming it is.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Northeast
The Midland
Philadelphia
The South
North Central
The West
Boston
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Unmotivated November

It's the first of November already. It's weird to change the calender and only have two months left. I'm feeling motivated but lazy. I have lots of things I want/should/need to do, but I'd rather sit at the computer and pretend to be busy.

Despite the cold today, it's beautiful. The sky is a delightful sky blue with little puffy clouds. Fields are harvested and everything looks crisp and a bit stark. It looks so nice that I want to go outside, but my toes are telling me it's a bit colder than it appears.

I've allowed the tv to be on all morning because I can stay on here longer. How sad is that? I just don't have motivation when I'm chilled.

I'm going to check my email one more time, and then this is it. I'm done with the computer, and I'm going to wash dishes and laundry. I'm going to make lunch and decide on supper. I'm going to sweep the floor vacuum. I'm going to do things!! I have to.

My Rural View

I have a super unhappy baby on hand. I'm not sure what's going on. I took him in to his pcp today to see if he had an ear infection, and it's been ruled out. I therefore am stressing that it is his shunt, but then again, I called and ns didn't seem all too concerned. I wish it was a more straightforward thing.

Anyhow, the boys and I had a nice drive. It's a beautiful autumn day, and the colors are beautiful. I love fall. I had lots of lovely thoughts on the drive about why I love this time of year, about how summer used to be my favorite season and how spring and fall now are my favorites.

I also visited my future home dreamspot. It's right here on our farm, and I want to build a house there soooooo badly. It is just gorgeous with its view of a valley with gentle slopes and thick trees. I'd leave the cows in the landscape, too. They have a charm in their shape and movements that I'd miss if they were gone. *sigh* It's just such a beautiful spot.

That's all I have time to compose now. My wonderful, fabulous hubby is trying to make supper, and the kids aren't being very helpful.

Happy Birthday to me

Yesterday, it was my birthday, and I almost baked two of my children. Bad Mom.

Here's how it all went down. I was loading the boys in the van to head to my sister's to have fun visiting on my Special Day. I put the baby in his carseat, loaded up all the crap I have to bring with everytime I go somewhere, and realized I had to put the other seats in their spots. The girls have boosters, so I just placed them where they're supposed to go, but I had to buckle Mister S's in. Being a Good Mom, or so I thought, I was making sure that sucker was in there right and tight. While I was doing my duty, Mister S headed up front to play with buttons. I heard the locks go up and down, and I told him to quit. I did! He didn't pay much attention to me, but I finally coaxed him to the backseat after telling him to put the locks up. Okay, perhaps I'm a bit optimisic (or stupid) thinking a 3 year old might listen to that command.

I buckled the boy in, and I shut the door on his side after I checked that it was up. It was. I walked over to the other side, and I slid the door shut, and then my utter stupidity, my idiocy, hit me full-force as the locks clicked shut. There is a feature on our van, of which I am aware, but at this moment I wasn't considering, where the doors all lock after all the doors are shut. Most of the time it's not an inconvenience.

My heart sunk. I swore. I threw my purse. The doors didn't unlock. So, I figured I needed to be proactive. I went to Mister S's window, peering in at his tear-filled eyes. He was so sad. :( He said, "It clicked." Yes. Yes, it did. It most certainly clicked. "It clicked all by itself, Mama!" Weeeellllll, if you say so, hon.

I tried to tell him he needed to unbuckle so he could unlock the doors. He hasn't been able to do this before, but at this point I was still optimisic. With a little coaching and cheering on surely we wouldn't fail, right? I told him to use both his thumbs to push the red button really hard.

"These thumbs?" he asked, holding said thumbs Fonzie-style.

"Yep, those are the ones! Be sure to press REALLY hard." I replied.

While he tried pushing the red button, I called the Husband. Or tried to. My first message, I guess, was rather mundane and a bit perky, so it didn't cause major concern. My next call, after five minutes of trying to get Mister S to push the red button harder was a bit more detailed. I told Mister S I was going to run in the house and get some keys to try to unlock the door, and I waved at Mister G and he smiled at me. I tried the keys, and I tried them again. And you know what? I tried them three more times at least, and they still didn't work. Mister S told me where the keys were when I failed to open the door with the keys that wouldn't work.

"They are right there, Mommy" he said as he pointed up front.

"Oh, you're right! What a smart boy you are!" I said in a decidedly optimistic and sarcastic voice. Thankfully, the sarcasm flew right by him.

I tried Husband again and left a more frantic message. I thought perhaps he knew were the spare was or had it on him and was nearby. It turned out he did know where it was, but it was with him and he wasn't nearby. I called work to see if they could get ahold of him, and I called my in-laws to see if FIL could come to the rescue. He wasn't answering his phone either!

MIL said she'd call the local repair relative, and I continued to encourage Mister S to unlock his seatbelt. I think my persistence about it was annoying to him because he kept burying his head in his blanky.

It was hot, though. When that click first occured, I was pissed. I figured, though, we could get it open, and I felt pretty positive. As time passed by, I had visions of my babies dying, and it wasn't good. Their little cheeks were flushed, and Mister G had sweat running down his forehead.

Rescue arrived and within five minutes he had the door open. At this point, Mister G was crying and Mister S was obviously upset. When that door opened, Mister S burst into tears, and I don't think he'll play with the locks anymore. He still draws on the table no matter how many times I've told him not to and threatened/disciplined/punished him, though, so I'll be sure to check the doors.

All ended up well, but it certainly isn't an experience I care to endure again!

School Days

Off to school they went. I now have a second grader and a kindergartener! It was Miss I's first full day of kindy, and she seemed a bit taken aback at the idea. She was a bit weepy and told me she was sad and was going to miss me, her two brothers, and her dad.

Miss I's first three days of school were only a couple hours each day in the afternoon. The first day I buckled her in, got in the car, and she said, "I don't think I can walk all by myself. My legs feel funny."

So we talked about being nervous and scared, and how it was okay. I assured her I'd walk her to her classroom, and Mrs. L was very nice. She giggled and was fine. When we got to her classroom, she ran off after hanging up her backpack. Actually, she hung up her backpack, looked around at the others that were there, and turned hers around so it faced out. I was surprised by that. She's obviously a bit worried about fitting in. It's so sad it starts so early!!

Anyhow, Miss I ran off to play, realized she didn't say goodbye, and gave me a HUGE hug. She's so sweet and loving. :)

I've walked past Miss R's classroom the last several days and peeked in. She looks so grown up. I asked her on her first day how school was, and she replied, "It was just like first grade! It was like I never left!"

Mister S is very whiney and complainy since his sisters went to school. I hope this phase passes relatively soon. Mister G is teething and crabbing, and I'm discovering though it might be quieter around here, I'm no less busier.

Sad

I'm feeling a bit sad. My youngest has spina bifida. He doesn't have sensation in his feet. Today I went to church, and two people tried to tickle his feet. One said, "He's not ticklish?", and I replied he wasn't. She replied, "Oh, he's no fun."

And it really, really bothers me. She wasn't being mean or malicious, she just didn't realize he has no feeling in his feet. I didn't explain, and perhaps I should have, I don't know, but the comment just won't leave my head. He's no fun, he's no fun, he's no fun.

He's precious and adorable, but it's true, I wish I could tickle his feet. I can't say how often I've stroked his feet to comfort him and let him know I'm there, and then remember. I squeeze his little toes and play games with his feet, and then it will hit me. It's important to do these games with him because it gives him an awareness of his feet. He was actually giggling and laughing the other day when I pretended to bite his feet, so we can still have fun with his little toes.

I don't know, but that comment, and another one made shortly afterward, just made me feel so sad. I am sad about many things today. I'm sad because three years ago my grandma died. I'm sad because I feel like things have changed SO much, and I just want to be able to say to people, "I'm still me! You can talk to me!" I know I can make the first move, and I probably have to, but I just don't know how sometimes.

He is the most fabulous baby, and I love him so much. The spina bifida is a tremendous deal sometimes, and sometimes it's just part of life. I have to believe all this is just part of dealing with something like this. Tomorrow I'll probably feel better and smile at my sad silliness.

One other thing that saddened me today was looking at his older brother running like a maniac. When I thought of having number 4 I thought it would be awesome to have brothers together like my older two girls to play, and do boy stuff like baseball, football, and wrestling. He is pretty young yet, and I think they will find things to do, but it will be different.

I'm rambling quite a bit now, and I need to get to bed.

Afraid

It's become painfully obvious why it's getting more difficult. When he was born, there was a part of me that expected he might die. I didn't want that to happen, but I was prepared for it to happen. Well, as prepared as one can be. And with two revisions under our belt now, you'd think I'd be calm, cool, and collected. I'm NOT. At all. I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm scared he'll be changed or die or harmed. I love him. I love all the things he can do, what he's accomplished, and I'm scared the surgery will take that away from him. He's real to me. No longer do I think he might die, I now am fervently afraid he will be taken away.

*sigh* I'm waiting for his neurosurgeon to call back. It's been all day. I called when the office opened, and I'm getting sick of it.

Bats!

Today is a beautiful day. It's the kind of day you feel like doing things and enjoying life. I haven't done much, but I've enjoyed the day. But here is the thing that's been bugging me.

Bats. I hate bats. It seems to me there are many bat lovers about, but I'm not one of them. Well, allow me to clarify. I'm fine with bats outside, but I am NOT in the LEAST okay with them in my house. In fact, I love bats outside, and they don't even freak me out if they are outside. Inside is a completely different matter.

I've lived in this house for 9 years, and I have not gotten used to the bats that invade my nights. I have prayed, bargained, pleaded for their demise, or really just for them not to come in. So far, they still visit. They aren't hanging out in the attic (we've checked), and they don't come in every night. It is probably about a total of two weeks out of the year that they make their appearance, but one night is one too many.

Two nights ago, I was feeling quite comfortable with the lack of bats thus far this year, so I was taken by surprise when I walked into my bedroom and saw one hanging on the window frame. As soon as my mind processed the blob hanging there was a bat, I ran as fast as I could hunched over and carrying a sleeping baby down the stairs. I went as quietly and quickly as possible and told my hubby in hushed tones, "There is a bat upstairs. Hanging in our window. Please. Take. Care. Of. It."

So, I went into the living room, heart pounding, with the baby to nurse him back to sleep, sure my knight would rush to my rescue. It was draft night for fantasy football. Very Important. I sat on the couch in frozen, freaking panic, and he took ten minutes to go upstairs and get rid of it. I was going crazy, telling myself I could wait until he was done, the bat wasn't going to fly away or disappear, but I felt so anxious and scared in that time.

I remember the time when we were first married. I fondly called him My Batman because he'd rescued me the night before from a bat. As I spoke the words, the window shade in our room rustled and out flew a bat. I about died. He used his trusty tennis racket, and once again, was My Batman. It was funny.

I have numerous bat stories. Once, hubby was bartending at the bar his parents own, and at midnight I awoke to see a bat hanging on the door frame. I called him, and he came home, got rid of it, and went back to work. And there was the time I was carrying my sleeping daughter upstairs, and I turned on the hall light (which I seldom do), and there was a furry creature on the floor. If I hadn't turned on the light I wouldn't have seen it, and I probably would have died of fright as I walked into its space and it flew up. Oh shudder. I can't even think about it.

Last year, we were watching a movie, and I was very absorbed in the storyline, and suddenly, out of nowhere a bat swooped down by me. I lay there so petrified, and my heart was beating so hard and fast. Hubby returned, sat down on the couch and resumed the movie. I started crying and sobbing as I came out of my frozen state.

Today I found someone who has a similar fear and panic. My youngest gets physical therapy, and his therapist and I got on the topic of bats somehow. It was humorous and comforting to exchange stories.

Recently, we had our house weatherized and insulation put into the walls. I was hoping perhaps we'd have no more bats, but the other night disproved that. Ah well.

First Blogger Post

Today it is raining, and I feel better. Yesterday, it was gorgeous, and I was so sad and angry. I felt so, so, SO down yesterday, and I felt like I was drowning. I moved to this house nine years ago, and I have always loved it, but it now feels like a trap. Or a pond, and it is swallowing me up.