Sunday, December 17, 2006

Compliments and Memories

I've been absent here, haven't I? I've been writing in my livejournal recently about the everyday stuff.

Today, I received a compliment from my dad in his roundabout way. I sat next to him at a potluck, and he made a comment about sending me a note, cooking like mom, and something about cooking like his mom. I was confused what he was talking about, and I asked what I had cooked. He said I had sent over some cookies, and they tasted just like his mother's.

Wow. What a compliment. My dad doesn't dish out compliments. I had made oatmeal cookies with raisins, cranberries, walnuts, chocolate chips, and some m&m's. I thought they were yummy (my kids didn't), but I sent a bunch over to mom and dad's when they watched the kids. Apparently, dad like them. :)

I miss my grandmas so much. They were such strong, beautiful, amazing, sweet women, and I miss them so much. This has been one of the toughest years of my life, and I miss their presence, their love, their prayer, their hugs. I dream of both of them often. I have dreams of them holding my babies. I dream of their hugs. Their presence.

Life is an emotional upheaval right now, and I feel like I'm barely holding together. Today was a Christmas get together with hubby's side of the family, and I really, really didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home. I did go, I did enjoy myself, but I didn't, also. Everybody seems to be so distant, and I don't know, just not friendly like they used to be. I feel like people don't talk to me because they don't know what to say to me anymore. I feel like I'm unapproachable, and I hate it. I remember after G was born this doctor said many people would pull away, and we'd have to be the ones to reach out. I think I'm seeing it now. Instead of reaching out, though, I'm feeling myself drawing inward. I know it, I see it, I don't feel like changing it. Maybe this is how depression feels.

I've been asking myself that question lately. Am I depressed or am I conserving? By conserving, I mean conserving my energy for the important things, such as my family. I feed my kids, dress them, send them to school with the necessary notes and papers, I dress myself, feed myself sometimes, keep appointments and try to be on time. My house is a terrible mess, and I can't consistently keep up on anything. I am behind on thank-yous, I don't have any holiday cards ready to send out, I am behind on so many things I'm not going to bother listing them, but I feel like I have all I can to do the important things.

Does this fall under depression? I am overwhelmed. I don't sit around and cry, but I do sit around and read blogs. A lot. I don't wash the dishes, I don't wash the table, and I don't sweep the floor, until it's absolutely necessary. And I don't care. But I do, as there is a bit of self-loathing that it's not done. But I don't care enough to do it.

I am also gaining weight, and I'm terribly out of shape. I used to exercise, and everyday I plan to start, and every night I go to bed having done nothing.

Oh, I don't know. I'm so tired. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted.

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