Thursday, May 17, 2007


Things have been quiet around here. I find myself worrying in the too quietness of it all! We've had doctor appointment after doctor appointment week after week, and May has been so quiet. G had his orthopedic appointment on the 2nd, and that's been it this month. I don't feel safe, I feel something looming in the future, and I hate that feeling. I want to just appreciate things for what they are rather than feeling watchful for every little thing. How does one work past that? I feel paranoid, and I don't care much for feeling that way.

The shunt has been THE issue this year, and I am having a hard time relaxing about it. Is it even possible for it to go an entire year without malfunctioning?? I know it's not only possible, but it happens for many people on a regular basis. Little things have been bugging me, though. A little head growth, bulging soft spot (intermittent), some "different" breathing that's hard to explain but there, a large bruise on his forehead from smacking it on the floor, veins seem darker (in my head, though?), and the other night he cried "owie" off and on for about an hour. He slept fine last night, though. This is why I feel paranoid. They are such little, subtle signs, probably easily explained away. I've been obsessively measuring his head again, and when I get like this, when this feeling doesn't go away, I hate to say it, but I haven't been wrong yet. The intuition with this kid is so strong!! I think he's teething to cloud the issue.

On a positive note, though, this kid is doing some exceptional things lately. Progress has been phenomonal, I think, and his PT has been happy with what he's doing. It's amazing when something clicks. He's been "dancing", and it is just adorable. I HAVE to capture it. He's also been becoming much more verbal and entertaining us with babble stories.

I have to let go of that worry. Even writing that, in my head, I hear, "but this...", "but that...", "you can't..." Worry doesn't want to let me go.

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